Condolence Note, Years Late

I’ve always said it’s never too late to send a condolence note. Although your situation gives new meaning to the word “belated” and goes beyond what I had in mind, the advice still applies. As for what to write, I recently came across a note that was shared with me by someone in a position similar to yours. Perhaps it will inspire you to find your own meaningful words. The note read:

Dear ----:
It was so nice to see you Thursday night. It reminded me once again that I hadn’t sent a condolence note when I heard your son had died. I sat down to write at least a dozen times, but no words came out that I felt could comfort you. Maybe it’s because I have children of my own and couldn’t imagine the pain you were experiencing—or didn’t want to.
Whatever the reason, I’m sorry. I thought of you and what you were going through many times.

The writer signed off with “Regretfully.”

These words come across as honest and deeply felt. The note’s brevity adds to its power, and it’s hard to believe your colleague wouldn’t appreciate your own sincere version, despite all the time gone by.

Which also raises another issue: Maybe the writer of the note above would have sent it sooner if she hadn’t tried to comfort the parent. The fact is it’s rarely possible to provide comfort—unless you had a very close relationship with the person (or with the deceased). Attempts to allay sadness tend to be misguided and may backfire. Often the bereaved actually resents such efforts. What you can do is acknowledge the loss and express sympathy. That is the purpose of a condolence note in most cases.

Additionally, we tend to assume the bereaved expected us to write and/or noticed that we did not. The reality is we’re just not that important. It’s highly unlikely the devastated parent paid attention to who did not send a card or note after the death.

    

In lieu of flowers...

As we head into the gift giving season full steam ahead, I’ve been paying particular attention to the “gifts” that are suggested in obituaries – the donations made to honor a person’s memory their favorite charity or their life’s work.

For years I have sent checks to whatever followed the phrase “in lieu of flowers,” but it seems now that, like everything else connected with dying these days (memorial services, do-it-yourself obituaries, funeral attire, parting gifts, etc.), there is a lot more creativity in what is suggested in place of plants.

The more common suggestions often target the disease that caused the death: heart, cancer, diabetes, ALS and more. There are donations to animal groups, churches, schools, foundations and libraries. Money is even suggested to fight suicide, drugs or depression:

Donations will be contributed to an anti-drug education program in his memory…

Here are some others that offer creative but still meaningful alternatives, the first one especially important during the holiday period when blood banks run low:

In lieu of flowers, please give the gift of life by donating blood and platelets to your local blood bank…

In lieu of flowers, which she always hated, she would love if people donated to her favorite charity, St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

…gifts to the Veterans of Foreign Wars and The Blue Ocean Institute would serve her intentions appropriately…

Donations will be used to plant trees and park benches, honoring his love for life.

Please consider an adoption from your local “life” animal shelter…

This one leaves the creativity entirely up to the reader or friend:

His children ask that you make a donation to the charity of your choice.

In a time of grief, words often fail us. We want to express our heartfelt sympathy, but finding the gift that can share our sentiments and provide comfort is not always easy.

When you plant a tree in memory, you are leaving a living legacy behind.

This UNIQUE and ELEGANT certificate will bring care and compassion for today and hope and healing for tomorrow to the family of your loved one.

A Tree Instead Corp. will ensure that your gift is delivered with care and sensitivity.

www.atreeinstead.com One tree... One lifetime of memories

And, finally, the ultimate reminder that life is fleeting and that no expression of love should go untold lest it be too late:

In lieu of flowers, please hug a loved one and take a moment to express the value they bring to your life.