Condolence Note, Years Late

I’ve always said it’s never too late to send a condolence note. Although your situation gives new meaning to the word “belated” and goes beyond what I had in mind, the advice still applies. As for what to write, I recently came across a note that was shared with me by someone in a position similar to yours. Perhaps it will inspire you to find your own meaningful words. The note read:

Dear ----:
It was so nice to see you Thursday night. It reminded me once again that I hadn’t sent a condolence note when I heard your son had died. I sat down to write at least a dozen times, but no words came out that I felt could comfort you. Maybe it’s because I have children of my own and couldn’t imagine the pain you were experiencing—or didn’t want to.
Whatever the reason, I’m sorry. I thought of you and what you were going through many times.

The writer signed off with “Regretfully.”

These words come across as honest and deeply felt. The note’s brevity adds to its power, and it’s hard to believe your colleague wouldn’t appreciate your own sincere version, despite all the time gone by.

Which also raises another issue: Maybe the writer of the note above would have sent it sooner if she hadn’t tried to comfort the parent. The fact is it’s rarely possible to provide comfort—unless you had a very close relationship with the person (or with the deceased). Attempts to allay sadness tend to be misguided and may backfire. Often the bereaved actually resents such efforts. What you can do is acknowledge the loss and express sympathy. That is the purpose of a condolence note in most cases.

Additionally, we tend to assume the bereaved expected us to write and/or noticed that we did not. The reality is we’re just not that important. It’s highly unlikely the devastated parent paid attention to who did not send a card or note after the death.

    

In lieu of flowers...

As we head into the gift giving season full steam ahead, I’ve been paying particular attention to the “gifts” that are suggested in obituaries – the donations made to honor a person’s memory their favorite charity or their life’s work.

For years I have sent checks to whatever followed the phrase “in lieu of flowers,” but it seems now that, like everything else connected with dying these days (memorial services, do-it-yourself obituaries, funeral attire, parting gifts, etc.), there is a lot more creativity in what is suggested in place of plants.

The more common suggestions often target the disease that caused the death: heart, cancer, diabetes, ALS and more. There are donations to animal groups, churches, schools, foundations and libraries. Money is even suggested to fight suicide, drugs or depression:

Donations will be contributed to an anti-drug education program in his memory…

Here are some others that offer creative but still meaningful alternatives, the first one especially important during the holiday period when blood banks run low:

In lieu of flowers, please give the gift of life by donating blood and platelets to your local blood bank…

In lieu of flowers, which she always hated, she would love if people donated to her favorite charity, St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

…gifts to the Veterans of Foreign Wars and The Blue Ocean Institute would serve her intentions appropriately…

Donations will be used to plant trees and park benches, honoring his love for life.

Please consider an adoption from your local “life” animal shelter…

This one leaves the creativity entirely up to the reader or friend:

His children ask that you make a donation to the charity of your choice.

In a time of grief, words often fail us. We want to express our heartfelt sympathy, but finding the gift that can share our sentiments and provide comfort is not always easy.

When you plant a tree in memory, you are leaving a living legacy behind.

This UNIQUE and ELEGANT certificate will bring care and compassion for today and hope and healing for tomorrow to the family of your loved one.

A Tree Instead Corp. will ensure that your gift is delivered with care and sensitivity.

www.atreeinstead.com One tree... One lifetime of memories

And, finally, the ultimate reminder that life is fleeting and that no expression of love should go untold lest it be too late:

In lieu of flowers, please hug a loved one and take a moment to express the value they bring to your life.

How to Write a Condolence Note to a Customer or Client

It’s hard to write any condolence note because the subject is death. But it’s especially difficult when the bereaved is a client or customer. The challenge is to strike just the right tone and choose words carefully. The wrong ones can make a poor impression and even damage the business/professional relationship.

I would start your note, “Dear Janet,” rather than just “Janet.” Omitting the “dear” would be acceptable in an ordinary note, but it’s much too casual for a condolence message. This is a sad and very sensitive situation. I would begin the first sentence with, “I am very sorry to hear...” for the same reason. “So very sorry,” which omits the “I,” seems almost flippant.

The next sentence gives advice, which is a common mistake in condolence notes. Advice is the last thing any bereaved wants to hear – especially from someone who isn’t personally close. The words can seem presumptuous, and make the recipient feel very angry. You don’t know your client well yet, and probably have no knowledge of her relationship with her mother. The same is true of the line, “It will help carry you through the dark.” The person’s reaction very well might be, “How would you know?!”

Realize that writing a condolence note is not about being profound. It’s about acknowledging a death and expressing genuine sympathy. Period. Here is one possibility:

Dear Janet,
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. You are in my thoughts and prayers at this time of sadness. I send my deepest condolences.

Follow with your signature. Here is another option:

Dear Janet,
I just heard about your mother’s death. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy.

And simply sign your name. Such brief notes are both powerful and appropriate, and they keep you from getting into trouble.

In a time of grief, words often fail us. We want to express our heartfelt sympathy, but finding the gift that can share our sentiments and provide comfort is not always easy.

When you plant a tree in memory, you are leaving a living legacy behind.

This UNIQUE and ELEGANT certificate will bring care and compassion for today and hope and healing for tomorrow to the family of your loved one.

A Tree Instead Corp. will ensure that your gift is delivered with care and sensitivity.

www.atreeinstead.com

Talk about death is alive and well

Is awareness of all things death-related a perception thing? That once you’ve lost someone, you become more aware of the buzz around you about death and grieving? Or is it that, as part of the aging process, we are all more accepting of our mortality and others’ too? Or could it be that as we age and lose loved ones, we are all just plain paying more attention to the topic – and talking about it more?

A recent spate of death-related stories in the media – all this month – leads me to wonder where this is all coming from…and where it’s going.

* A couple of weeks ago, an acquaintance in Boston lay blogging at the same time she lay dying. Once diagnosed with cancer, she posted her journal on Caring Bridge and as her demise drew near, nothing was as poignant or personal as the parting words, in print, about how sorry she was to be leaving life and the love of her life.

* An uncle by marriage died in Connecticut. He was elderly and somewhat too far removed for me to have known he was so close to death, but I was heartened by the stellar obituary I found on Legacy.com that told the gutsy story of his pioneering of the recycling movement, long before the first Earth Day.

* CBS Sunday Morning last week featured a story about how children mourn reported by Katie Couric, whose own daughters lost their dad when they were just six and two.

* A “Modern Love” column in The New York Times on Sunday was written by a woman whose husband heartbreakingly died “a happy man” and who called his service “the best funeral ever” – words that would not have been said openly and in print not so long ago.

* Not long ago, All Things Considered on National Public Radio aired a delightful story about an Atlanta man who has been collecting obituaries for over 50 years.

* A newly published book of condolence letters sent to Jackie Kennedy when the President was assassinated underscores the elegance and empathy of a simple note – whether written by statesmen or school children.

* And hip-hop superstar Jay-Z raps about death in his current hit, “Forever Young”:

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power but we never say never
Sitting in the sandpit
Life is a short trip
The music's for the sad man…
So when the director yells cut
I'll be fine
I'm forever young
I'll be fine
Blame it on the boomers, if you must, this determination to be young forever and go out in a blaze of glory when possible. Because death, dying and grief haven’t always been an acceptable focus of conversation, much less media hype. When my mother died too young in 1968, people could barely speak the words ‘breast cancer’ much less face the truth that the end was near.

In this blog, I hope to make preparing for death – and how you want to be remembered – a more accessible and acceptable topic, too. It doesn’t have to be gloomy and morbid; nor is it egotistical and controlling. It’s a fact of life that we’ll all be gone one day, and we might as well have a hand in how that final journey is handled.